Outer Beauty

Ahhhh Naomi. If it weren't so disgusting, your testimony in Charles Taylor's war crimes tribunal might even have been laughable.

Wait ... Maybe I can still make it funny.

The following are actual quotes from her testimony in response to the questions I would have asked if I were trying the case:

Shannanigans O'Connell: So Naomi, what were you thinking when Charles Taylor tea-bagged you?

Naomi Campbell: They were, "very small, dirty-looking stones,"

SO'C: Really! So his balls were dirty?

NC: “They were kind of dirty-looking pebbles,"

SO'C: Were they dirty or were they just kind of dirty, Miss Campbell. Have you heard of the term tea-bagging before? This is an important distinction for the court.

NC: "I just assumed that they were ... "I had never heard of Charles Taylor before, never heard of the country Liberia before, had never heard the term ..."

SO'C: Let me make sure that I understand you correctly. You allowed a man you've never heard of, whose balls you assumed were dirty, perform a degrading sex act on you without question?

NC: "I get gifts given to me all the time, at all hours of the night."

SO'C: So then what exactly was your surprise regarding this episode if similar occurrences happen, "all the time, at all hours of the night," as you describe?

NC:  "I'm used to seeing them shiny in a box."

SO'C: Are you referring to Justin Timberlake's Dick in a Box? I think you must be confused.

NC: "Correct."

SO'C: Ok. Moving on. What were your words to Mr. Taylor after he flopped his balls on your forehead?

NC: "I just want to get this over with and get on with my life, this is a big inconvenience for me."


SO'C: Thank you, Miss Campbell. That will be all.