Craigslist Chronicles Part Deaux.

It's time for another round of Craigslist Chronicles!

Here are a few gems from the month of December ....

Lisa (Ghost) - m4w - 48 (tulsa)

Lisa
you will be visited by three ghost..I hope they help you on our relationship...if there is ever to be one the first will come tonight at one a.m.

(lisa)GHOST 1 - m4w (the past)

How we have changed; or chained our love lives. Nothing seems as simple as it appears. We hold on to past situations and people that have abused us which allowing us to carry this binding Sinicism into our relationships (present/future) righteously. We look at our partner and we search to expose any flaw or weakness they exhibit. Our embattlement is only fueled by the anger we feel for others in the past. Somehow it makes us believe that we can righteously judge others with the protective vigor that blindly and pride fully detours us from the person in our past that we think about. Falsely it protects us from ever being hurt; embarrassed or ashamed of whom we want the world to think we are. Are we not human? It is possisible that another could love us as i do you (THOUGHT FOR TODAY) Let your self be love as I have you since you were 14. Follow …Daniel

Lisa (ghost #2) - m4w (Present)

Did you think of us this week..this month or this year...When you look at your present relationship...is it everything you expected or is it just passing time..Do you spend your energy trying to foget the past....the hussel and the bussel of the season is upon us...We look at sales adds and think to ourselves :I'd like to buy that that for ....and then we remember...pride...It has kept us from the one we vigorously build blocks for ...our wall is more important...Be careful...afairs of the heart always speak at the most in opportune times..Don't shut out those who truely love us most....I thought of you today as i did yesterday and the the day before that....Daniel

(LISA)ghost 3 - m4w (future)

Is ot cold outside or inside (our hearts)all of our lives we spent building the wall around our heart..Bravo..we have finally acheived what we worked so hard for...althought loneliness is exactlty that. We look back in our final day,hour minute and see only smoldering bridges and paths grown over and ask where is everyone we knew...as we look back to those that have passed before us ,we say to ourselves..we should have ,could have,but didn't...20/20 is full view of life...Today I wsh you a merry christmas...Daniel.Poe..final ghost.........

I absolutely LOVE this concept. This guy spent the entire month of December spacing out these posts. On Christmas Eve—FINALLY—the series was complete. Merry Christmas to me! 

After I saw the first post, I have been repeatedly checking the missed connections all month, just waiting for the next post to come along. I admire Daniel’s dedication. He must really love this Lisa. I wonder how long they’ve been apart. Why did it end? Does she still love him? Is it really pride and fear of admitting their mistakes that has kept them apart for so long? 

What a shame. I can even let him off the hook for murdering a thesaurus in his attempt to send his regrets out into the world. It reminds me that it is ok to make fools of ourselves in the name of romance. It is better to be open. Life is not meant to be wasted. I hope Daniel finds a way to overcome his regrets. I hope I never make those kinds of mistakes.

---

Crystal Pistol 12/9 - m4w

Well, the truth is, I didn't dance with you because you're not any good at it. The way you jerk your body around to music kind of reminds me of some kinda African warrior dance. I'm sorry but there is just no way I could even phathom a way to follow a lead such as that. That's alright though, because you're one of the fortunate ones that could make a train wreck look sexy. Even though I don't understand the way you move when you dance there is something about you that can make it appear to be so beautiful. I enjoyed our conversation and just wanted to say I hope everything works out well for you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA … SNORT! --- I’m almost positive that this one is about me. There were a total of 2 girls on the dance floor that night. And he’s right, I dance funny. Yes. It works for me. And I’m slightly insulted, but mostly flattered that I can make a train wreck look sexy. Because, let’s face it: Shannanigans is often a train wreck.  

Dating in a Digital World: The Best Practices Manual for the Boys who Digitally Woo.

You men are always complaining that you don’t know what we ladies want or expect from you. Whine no more, gentlemen. I’m going to give you a frickin’ road map here: 

Chapter One: On Texting …

A text is acceptable for first contact. Small talk (or small text) is ok to get to know one another a little better. You can text a request for a date. However, you get major kudos if you have the cojones to actually call us up and ask us out. Always in advance. A text at 3pm the day of still doesn’t work. 

If we give you our numbers, a “nice meeting you” text the same night or next day is ok. Just don’t text us 30 times the same night. Its unbecoming and makes you seem overeager. 

Keep the lol’s to a minimum. I much prefer a smiley, a haha,  a lmao, or in my case a SNORT!

Don't say lol after you’ve said something clever. Who wants to chat with someone that is constantly laughing at their own jokes? Not me. 

Picture messages of you or your body parts are unwelcome. Seriously. If that’s how you roll, post that crap on craigslist. 

Texting cute morning greetings are always appreciated. “Good Morning, Beautiful.” It takes 3 seconds and puts a smile on our faces all day long. 

If you send a cute text we are allowed to share it with our friends. It’s like getting flowers at the office rather than at home. The point is to have everyone gush over them. Not to keep them a secret. 

I know texting is informal. So what? Use punctuation.

Chapter Two: On Facebook …  

Friending on facebook is a mutual agreement to allow digital stalking privileges. Is a date ever really blind anymore? You’d have to be crazy to not peruse each other’s profiles before meeting up because your mutual friends, Kathy and Johnny, think you’d be good together. 

Side note: I will also search the OSCN court docket network. I want to know what kind of trouble you get yourself into before I agree to share a meal with you. You’d be surprised how many girls do this. 

Chatting is ok. Cute messages on our walls are better. (See the above flowers at the office reasoning.)

If the relationship should turn into something exclusive, you should be the one to update your romantic status. You are the man. Take the initiative. 

Remember: Its official if you’ve had the “let’s not see anybody else talk.” Its really official if you make it true on Facebook.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

In lament of wasted effort, Dena Carter asked in exasperation:
“Did I shave my legs for this?”

Yes, Dena. Sucks doesn’t it? 

A while back I got stuck on wing woman duty on a Monday night. I ended up staying out hours after I wanted nothing but to be home and in bed with a book. But my girlfriend had her eye on a random acquaintance of mine. Let’s say he is a second buddy twice removed. Let’s say his name is Elliot.
(Because his name is Elliot.) 

I stayed out late and had to mainline coffee at work the next day all in the interest of allowing my girl some time to flirt and kiss and enjoy her night. Numbers were exchanged and finally (Thanks be to God) I was able to head home. 

Not even 24 hours later, I ran into Elliot. And he was getting cozy with some new girl. She was rocking more eye makeup than an Ulta cashier and a ratty bouffant ponytail. Yuck. So much for my lack of sleep the night before. I message Valerie to tell her dude is a jackass, although I already suspected as much considering his taste in beers. Stella? It is kinda girly. Stella in the winter when they had a Bridgeport Seasonal on special? What a flamer. 

This is just one of the many instances in which we ladies wonder, “Did I really waste my time for this?”

Over the past few days I have really been pondering the current dating climate my friends and I find ourselves in. And, I have been joking with my buddies that I am dating myself. I think it has evolved to more than a joke now. Sure I have a crush on somebody. But, sometimes I wonder if I have a bigger crush on the idea of somebody. So I am putting myself on a timeout. 

No, Dena. I am NOT going to shave my legs for this. No, seriously. I’m not shaving. 

I actually started this kick a week or so ago. I decided it was a good idea to stay prickly as an added incentive to avoid trying to make out with my crush since I’ve been painfully direct as it is. I don’t need to start physically attacking him, too. Poor guy. 

I was talking with Coop last night and I realized, this has been the longest I’ve gone without shaving since … well, pretty much forever. 

We joked that I could alternate legs. Keeping one unshaven and shaving the other to minimize my irritation with it. I swear I don’t know how hippie women do this shit. I am still shaving my armpits. I think the legs are enough.  

Even though I don’t understand how hippie women do this, I understand why they do it. It really is kind of liberating. I wouldn’t go so far as to burn my bras. Hell no. I have cute bras. I’m not ruining them. 

I know this has a shelf life. There is no way in hell I could pull this off in the summer. No way I’d want to. So maybe by the time the winter has passed and the sunshine comes back to Oklahoma, I’ll be ready to come out of my self-imposed hibernation. 

Damn. My only regret is that I didn’t store up for the winter.

Quotes from the kitchen ....

We've been crowded in the kitchen making yummy food for the Ugly Sweater Party. Here's what we've said to each other so far:

Jill: "Just stop talking asshole"

JJ: "Whatever. I've got a knife, bitch"

Shay: "There's a lot of love in this house. It just warms the cockles of my heart! .... What is a cockle anyway? I'm gonna google it."

cock·le 1  (kkl) n. 1. Any of various bivalve mollusks of the family Cardiidae, having rounded or heart-shaped shells with radiating ribs. 2. The shell of a cockle. 3. A wrinkle; a pucker. 4. Nautical A cockleshell. intr. & tr.v. cock·led, cock·ling, cock·les To become or cause to become wrinkled or puckered. Idiom: cockles of (one's) heart One's innermost feelings: The valentine warmed the cockles of my heart. [Middle English cokel, from Old French coquille, shell, from Vulgar Latin *cochillia, from Latin conchyllium, from Greek konkhulion, diminutive of konkh, mussel.]

Jill: "Oh my GOD! WHAT IS THAT!!! It's the most disgusting thing I've ever had in my mouth."

Shay: *under her breath* "Doubtful."

Shay: "What is that in the air?"

Jill: "Oh FUCK! My pita chips!"

Jill: "Artichoke hearts are weird"

Jill: "Is something burning? OH SHIT! My Pita chips again!!! Fucking timer stopped."

Shay: "Well, we could disguise them for blue-corn pita chips?"

Can't wait for tonight! 

Top 10 Reasons Why it is Fun to Date Myself

1. I don’t have to argue at the RedBox.
2. I can hog all of the covers.
3. On any given night I can go on dates with Kurt Vonnegut, Rob Sheffield, Walt Whitman, Augusten Burroughs, Steig Larsson and other sexy writers. And, I never get bored with the conversation. 
4. I always think I look cute. Even when I probably don’t. 
5. It is cheaper to take myself to dinner. 
6. Nobody makes fun of me for reading “Love is a Mixtape” for the umpteenth time. 
7. I get to pick the songs in the car. 
8. I never have to share my ice cream.
9. I only have to do my own laundry. 
10. I can be lazy about shaving my legs.

On Family Traditions and Their Ever-Evolving Beauty

This year has flown by. It feels like I sneezed and with the “Gesundheit!” went the entire course of events during the last 11.2 months. The Holidays? ... Already?

I love the Holidays. So I guess that is my consolation for the fact that every year speeds by faster than the last.

Holidays are special because I am a part of this loud, loving clan of smart-asses. And like all families we have our traditions. Some traditions have evolved. Some have faded to happy memories as the people who embodied them have passed away. But they continue to shape me nonetheless.

My Grandmother’s birthday was Christmas Day. I remember the whole family squeezing into her little house—the adults sitting upstairs and sharing conversation. My cousins and I causing a ruckus in the basement.

Grandma had this tiny porcelain statue of a Christmas tree. It had these plastic light bulbs attached to its branches that lit up when you plugged it in. That was our tree, standing proudly on the end table. It was always swallowed by the dozens of packages surrounding it. And we all loved it. It reminds me of Grandma herself. Tiny, proud and always surrounded.

The furry hat is also a fun part of our Christmas. For decades my Aunt and Uncle have been trading off years—giving each other the same, God-awful, furry hat as a gag gift. My Grandma made it from extra material left over from the God-awful furry vest she made. The hat looks like either a drowned bunny rabbit or squished squirrel road kill. I can’t decide which.

Nevertheless, this perpetual Christmas gift just keeps on giving. They have had to think up clever ways over the years to sneak the gift into each other’s possession: In the hollowed-out insides of a book, shoved down inside a coffee cup that was supposed to be filled with treats, hidden under pillows, given in gifts from other family members, etc.

It’s been fun to watch.

Even though my Brother, my Dad and I tease my mom for her 45 boxes of Christmas decorations (I’m not kidding. They take up the entire garage) I love the atmosphere it creates.

My mother’s Christmas tree is the most beautiful decoration I have ever seen. She is talented. It is all white lights, blown glass bulbs, crystal, gold and burgundy. It shines with the fame festive optimism that my mother represents.

During my college years, I used to love sleeping on the couch during my Holiday visit. Early in the morning my Mom would pad quietly into the living room and turn on the lights to the tree. She would sit down in her recliner and sip her coffee and enjoy the tree. I knew it was a moment in time very special to her.

Most of the time she woke me up. Sometimes, I would lay there with my eyes closed and pretend to sleep just listening to her rock the recliner, sip her coffee and enjoy her beautiful tree. Sometimes I would get up, pour myself some coffee and come back and sit down with her. We’d have whispered conversations before the rest of the house stirred. I cherish those moments with my mother. Simple, quiet and beautiful.

13 Santa Hats. Somewhere amongst the 45 boxes of Christmas decorations there is a bag full of Santa hats. Everyone must wear a hat while we open our gifts. It is always fun and we all love it. Dad grudgingly participates, but secretly I think he likes it, too.

Life is in the little things. The tiny porcelain trees. The road-kill head gear. The quiet moments. Every day I find something to be thankful for and something simple to count as extraordinary.

I’m grateful for the traditions that make O’Connell Holidays extraordinary. Sometimes I get a little sad wishing that all of the moments I mentioned will go on forever.

It is these twenty-something years where childhood traditions start to slip away. While I am sad to see some of them go; their absence leaves room for me to experience and build some special memories of my own.

Tonight my roommates brought home our Christmas tree. We got a live one and the living room smells deliciously like pine and packing dust from all the ornaments. This scent makes me feel like I am five years old. It has been a long time since I’ve had the pleasure of a live Christmas tree. I think I will have a live tree from now on—pine needles be damned.

The house is full of twinkle lights and fresh pine and red-dirt country Christmas music. And I am content.

Goodnight All,

Shaymarie.

Thanksgiving ...

Loud-mouthed O'Connells
Friends and Bashers
A McBadass Wifey

Rental Husbands (Thanks JJ!)
ALI Coop
Bee & his Budweiser lip gloss.
17 pound kitten cuddles
Converse All Stars and hooker heels
Laughing till I snort 
Book stores
Skittles and Flicka

Mt. Dew
Acrobatant
Beer
Oklahoma lakes
Football

Avocados
Chocolate
Sweatpants and fuzzy slippers
Music

These are just a fraction of the amazing things that complete my universe.