Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Welcome to the Craigslist Chronicles! (Oh and Shannanigans is BACK!)


Guilty Pleasures. We all have them. One of my favorites is the Missed Connections section of Craigslist.

I love. I absolutely love! Some are just soooo cute. Others are really wacked out. Some just make me shake my head in wonder at the hot mess humanity has become. No matter what, they put a smile on my face when I am feeling down. 

I’ve decided to start a segment on this blog called the Craigslist Chronicles. Here’s how it will work: 

Every now and then I’ll post some diamonds in the rough from the missed connections. (of course I’ll be giving my two cents on each entry) I will also crown a winner of the day and leave it up to the rest of you to decide the Epic Failure of each segment. 

I had a LOT of fun writing this one so I hope you guys enjoy! 

To the beautiful woman in my phone - m4w (Caravan) Last Saturday night, you stopped me and asked if I was there with anyone. When I answered no, you asked me to take a picture with you. I was supposed to text it to you, but fat-fingered the last digit. Now, in the words of Def Leppard, all I have is a photograph..

 

Mister Caravan, you are pretty awesome. I hope she answers you back. You are my Craigslist Chronicle Winner for today! 

Now on to the Epic Fail! Portion of the Evening! I’ll let you guys decide who wins. 

cute candy dot at spider ball - m4w - 34 (Downtown) you were walking through spider ball this past saturday night dressed up like those dot candies. you were with a guy that had the same type of costume and i'm hoping he is just a freind. you were adorable and you passed me where it changes over to the enso side and smiled right at me. let's at least chat because you look like you are a real sweetheart.


Awww! You are so cute. But, you are crazy if you think a guy would wear a Candy Dots costume to match another girl if he wasn’t getting any. Come on! I understand you want to be optimistic, but isn’t it obvious? 

Here’s a good life lesson for you: Wearing matching (and ridiculous) costumes = they are screwing like rabbits. Or, she has been holding out and he would wear whatever she asked to make it to home base.  He’d gladly sport a diaper and carry a bow with heart shaped arrows calling himself Cupid if that would grant him access to her Valentine. 

Sorry honey. But they went home and f@#$%& their dots off. 


James, Hitchhiking at QT - w4m - 21 (Claremore) My friend and I pulled up to quiktrip in Claremore on Sunday night around 12 or 1am in a black Ford Taurus. You asked if we could give you a ride home! You were ungodly trashed and i felt bad for you. You swore up and down you'd give me and my friend anything we wanted, a pack of cigarettes and $20. I gave you a ride to your house over on Blue Starr, you never gave me my frickin' money, cigs, or What i wanted!!!! If you still think i'm hott and sexy like you said then you better reply to this cuz i thought you were cute too. 

Jeezy Creezey! You must have some serious daddy issues. No self-respecting girl that Daddy raised right would (1) pick up a young, drunken hitchhiker; (2) let a man get away with breaking a promise; and (3) then think that man was worth a second look.

Another thing … YOU KNOW WHERE HE LIVES YOU IDIOT! I bet if you slipped your number in his mailbox he’d be more likely to find you than by happening across some random post on craigslist. Just saying. Although he seems like such a scumbag that I hope you are as stupid and unresourceful as you seem so you don’t find him.

My advice: Idiocracy was eerily prophetic. (That means it is scary and predicting the future) Please use condoms.

 

hot milf wearing boots and the dress - m4w - 25 (b.a. walmart e. on 71st)  you were at wal mart tonight with your son. You are smokin hot with ur red hair and nice thick ass, You were wearing tall boots and a dress. We made eye contact in the produce area. I followed you to the femine product aisle. I would really like to know what you were buying. I know its a one in a trillion chance but if you read this please let me know. 

 

Let me help you resolve the mystery. She was buying … TAMPONS! Well at best they were tampons. At worst, it was something for feminine odor or itching. If the latter, it is probably best to let this MILF go. If the former, she probably thinks you were a perve for trying to check out her “thick ass” while she was busy looking for her favorite brand of plugs.

 

We flirted with our eyes after the Bone concert - m4w - 31 (Tulsa) I walked across Cains after the Bone Thugs concert to where my 2 friends were talking to you and your friend. You looked HOT in your jeans and boots. I was wearing a black jacket and a gray hat. We met eyes a couple of times in passing but no words were exchanged. My friend said he was supposed to go to the bar to meet you, but i could tell it wasnt him you were into. I hope you read this. I feel like it was a missed opportunity.

 

Don’t you hate it when you are too stoned to function and then you miss out on something awesome? Sucks dude. But are you sure you flirted with your eyes? Even if you don’t smoke pot, which is not likely at Bone Thugs concert, I am convinced that there was enough in the air to give you the slant eye. You were probably looking at this girl through a tiny slit in your eyelashes. She probably looks like Morgan Freeman and you wouldn’t know the difference.

On the bright side, I made up another verse to that Afroman song!  

I was gonna talk to this girl. But then I got high.
I was gonna give her koochie a whirl. But then I got high.
Instead I am writing on Craigslist and I know why.
Because I got high. Because I got high. Because I got high.

Ok so that might not console you, but it just made me laugh my ass off. 

My money is on the dumb girl giving rides to strange men. But she's probably already going to win a Darwin Award (I hope) so maybe we should give the honor to the MILF perv?

Cheers,
Shannanigans

2 comments:

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  2. I must offer my first ever Retraction on this blog. I was wrong. Only my friend Nate would dress so ridiculous with no hopes of getting laid.

    He really is just her friend. I'm gonna ask him to have her contact Candy Dot!

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