Thanksgiving ...

Loud-mouthed O'Connells
Friends and Bashers
A McBadass Wifey

Rental Husbands (Thanks JJ!)
ALI Coop
Bee & his Budweiser lip gloss.
17 pound kitten cuddles
Converse All Stars and hooker heels
Laughing till I snort 
Book stores
Skittles and Flicka

Mt. Dew
Acrobatant
Beer
Oklahoma lakes
Football

Avocados
Chocolate
Sweatpants and fuzzy slippers
Music

These are just a fraction of the amazing things that complete my universe.

Random Thoughts: Volume 2

There is only one way to determine the right of way when cutting across parking lots: If their car is more ghetto than your car, you have to yield. 

When I grow up, I want to be Betty White. 

If you ladies want to ensure you NEVER get to dance with the cuties at the bar … bring a drunk, gay man with you to the dance floor. 

I disagree with Chelsea Lately, Sarah Palin isn’t the Snookie of politics. She’s the Anna Nicole Smith of politics ... Now if only she would die.

Bristol Palin is competing in the Dancing with the Stars finals this week. Break a leg Bristol! No, really. Break a leg. 

It is too early in the relationship for a booty call if you are worried about whether you have recently shaved your legs. 

I’m Team Jacob. 

Yep. 

Totally Team Jacob.

I wonder if a fart machine would qualify as a White Elephant Gift for the office gift exchange … 

I’ll know I’ve met “the one” when I prefer his company to that of chocolate and a good book. 

Hmmm. I need to buy some more chocolate. 

The Catholic Church finally agrees that AIDS is worse than using contraceptives. The good news is priests will finally stop spreading STD’s to altar boys. 

There are two types of people in this world:

Fancy pants cranberry people and cranberry in a can people.  

Why do we make the president waste time pardoning a Turkey? Doesn’t he have enough shit to do?

I bet Larry King Sleeps in his suspenders.

Ciao!

~ Shannanigans

Welcome to the Craigslist Chronicles! (Oh and Shannanigans is BACK!)

Guilty Pleasures. We all have them. One of my favorites is the Missed Connections section of Craigslist.

I love. I absolutely love! Some are just soooo cute. Others are really wacked out. Some just make me shake my head in wonder at the hot mess humanity has become. No matter what, they put a smile on my face when I am feeling down. 

I’ve decided to start a segment on this blog called the Craigslist Chronicles. Here’s how it will work: 

Every now and then I’ll post some diamonds in the rough from the missed connections. (of course I’ll be giving my two cents on each entry) I will also crown a winner of the day and leave it up to the rest of you to decide the Epic Failure of each segment. 

I had a LOT of fun writing this one so I hope you guys enjoy! 

To the beautiful woman in my phone - m4w (Caravan) Last Saturday night, you stopped me and asked if I was there with anyone. When I answered no, you asked me to take a picture with you. I was supposed to text it to you, but fat-fingered the last digit. Now, in the words of Def Leppard, all I have is a photograph..

 

Mister Caravan, you are pretty awesome. I hope she answers you back. You are my Craigslist Chronicle Winner for today! 

Now on to the Epic Fail! Portion of the Evening! I’ll let you guys decide who wins. 

cute candy dot at spider ball - m4w - 34 (Downtown) you were walking through spider ball this past saturday night dressed up like those dot candies. you were with a guy that had the same type of costume and i'm hoping he is just a freind. you were adorable and you passed me where it changes over to the enso side and smiled right at me. let's at least chat because you look like you are a real sweetheart.

Awww! You are so cute. But, you are crazy if you think a guy would wear a Candy Dots costume to match another girl if he wasn’t getting any. Come on! I understand you want to be optimistic, but isn’t it obvious? 

Here’s a good life lesson for you: Wearing matching (and ridiculous) costumes = they are screwing like rabbits. Or, she has been holding out and he would wear whatever she asked to make it to home base.  He’d gladly sport a diaper and carry a bow with heart shaped arrows calling himself Cupid if that would grant him access to her Valentine. 

Sorry honey. But they went home and f@#$%& their dots off. 

James, Hitchhiking at QT - w4m - 21 (Claremore) My friend and I pulled up to quiktrip in Claremore on Sunday night around 12 or 1am in a black Ford Taurus. You asked if we could give you a ride home! You were ungodly trashed and i felt bad for you. You swore up and down you'd give me and my friend anything we wanted, a pack of cigarettes and $20. I gave you a ride to your house over on Blue Starr, you never gave me my frickin' money, cigs, or What i wanted!!!! If you still think i'm hott and sexy like you said then you better reply to this cuz i thought you were cute too. 

Jeezy Creezey! You must have some serious daddy issues. No self-respecting girl that Daddy raised right would (1) pick up a young, drunken hitchhiker; (2) let a man get away with breaking a promise; and (3) then think that man was worth a second look.

Another thing … YOU KNOW WHERE HE LIVES YOU IDIOT! I bet if you slipped your number in his mailbox he’d be more likely to find you than by happening across some random post on craigslist. Just saying. Although he seems like such a scumbag that I hope you are as stupid and unresourceful as you seem so you don’t find him.

My advice: Idiocracy was eerily prophetic. (That means it is scary and predicting the future) Please use condoms.

 

hot milf wearing boots and the dress - m4w - 25 (b.a. walmart e. on 71^st)  you were at wal mart tonight with your son. You are smokin hot with ur red hair and nice thick ass, You were wearing tall boots and a dress. We made eye contact in the produce area. I followed you to the femine product aisle. I would really like to know what you were buying. I know its a one in a trillion chance but if you read this please let me know. 

 

Let me help you resolve the mystery. She was buying … TAMPONS! Well at best they were tampons. At worst, it was something for feminine odor or itching. If the latter, it is probably best to let this MILF go. If the former, she probably thinks you were a perve for trying to check out her “thick ass” while she was busy looking for her favorite brand of plugs.

 

We flirted with our eyes after the Bone concert - m4w - 31 (Tulsa) I walked across Cains after the Bone Thugs concert to where my 2 friends were talking to you and your friend. You looked HOT in your jeans and boots. I was wearing a black jacket and a gray hat. We met eyes a couple of times in passing but no words were exchanged. My friend said he was supposed to go to the bar to meet you, but i could tell it wasnt him you were into. I hope you read this. I feel like it was a missed opportunity.

 

Don’t you hate it when you are too stoned to function and then you miss out on something awesome? Sucks dude. But are you sure you flirted with your eyes? Even if you don’t smoke pot, which is not likely at Bone Thugs concert, I am convinced that there was enough in the air to give you the slant eye. You were probably looking at this girl through a tiny slit in your eyelashes. She probably looks like Morgan Freeman and you wouldn’t know the difference.

On the bright side, I made up another verse to that Afroman song!  

I was gonna talk to this girl. But then I got high.
I was gonna give her koochie a whirl. But then I got high.
Instead I am writing on Craigslist and I know why.
Because I got high. Because I got high. Because I got high.

Ok so that might not console you, but it just made me laugh my ass off. 

My money is on the dumb girl giving rides to strange men. But she's probably already going to win a Darwin Award (I hope) so maybe we should give the honor to the MILF perv?

Cheers,
Shannanigans

Blah

To be honest I wasn't a fan of the Commandments. I think they went downhill after the first post and I struggled to get through the last two installments almost as much as I struggled through the break up itself.

I am glad they are behind me and I'm looking forward to my upcoming posts that are more fun and less neurotic!

 More to come tonight!

Be Nice to the Strippers ... And the Final Break-up Commandment.

Valentine’s Day. Blah. It’s like New Years Eve, but worse. If you are coupled up, there is all this build-up and romantic pressure to have a fairy tale night. Like New Years, the celebration almost always fails to live up to our expectations. Like the countdown at New Years, all it does is remind you that you are single and you’ve got nobody to kiss at the end of the night. You don’t even get the day off work to cushion the blow. 

So we decided to celebrate a much more worthy holiday instead: Mardis Gras! 

Sunday is my day to ride bikes with my buddies in a scavenger hunt meets pub crawl fashion. Valentine’s Day fell on Sunday this year (thank you karma!) So I had 20 bike riding friends already lined up as my dates for the evening. 

It wouldn’t be Mardis Gras without the Hurricanes! We started the ride at Ed’s Hurricane Lounge for some delicious drinks. Everyone caught a little buzz and we moved on to the next stop. We threw beads off balconies and of course no MG celebration is complete without the boobies. So to the strip club we went! It was entertaining. There were a group of drunken bike riders (us) and a few sad, lonely men. We decided to drink pitchers and sit on pervert row. I passed out one dollar bills to everybody as Valentine’s. 

We got loud and crazy and the strippers were egging us on. We begged them to let us have our own stripping competition, but the owner didn’t want the liability. Sad. 

We eventually ended up at home for a Cajun style dinner and more drinks. Every single one of my 20 dates had a great time. Operation Valentine’s Day Neurotic Break-Down Avoidance was a success! 

 

Ok ladies. This is not another Break-up Commandment. It is just a damn good life lesson: 

Demand excellent treatment! 

I like nice guys. I like nerdy guys. I do NOT like cocky assholes. They are not the types you can count on in life. I have learned that lesson over my tenure as a single lady. Hence I find nice guys extremely sexy. I think it is because they are rare and underappreciated. I like finding awesome things that not everybody knows about. Being one of the few in on the secret. 

I need a nice guy because nice guys are the only ones capable of giving me what I need. I am not high maintenance in the way most guys think girls are.  I go with the flow. I can have fun doing just about anything. I watch football with enthusiasm. I don’t take 3 hours to get ready. I don’t care about material things. My heart goes more a-flutter from a surprise love note than it does from a flashy gift. Nice guys do the little things that I will notice and appreciate.

In hindsight, I can admit the ex was a nice guy when it came to the little things. He even seemed dependable. I could not have predicted he’d turn on a dime and leave with no warning. He didn’t distance himself in small increments. It’s just like the lights went off all of a sudden. 

There is nothing I could do about that. There really isn’t much I could have done to prevent it. I just have to believe that there is another nice guy capable of the little things. A guy that also endures and is able to work through the hard times. All I had to do in the meantime was focus on my own journey and endure until the pain faded. 

So that is what I did. I endured. Each day was better than the last until I was ok again. Sometimes that is all you can do when life throws you a curve ball. Just keep going through the motions until the momentum swings your way. 

And so I institute my final Break-up Commandment number eight: 

THOU SHALT MAKE THE BEST OF EVERY SITUATION

My mother is the embodiment of this commandment. She is my teacher and my best example of someone who has mastered the art of unconditional love. She makes the best of everything and everyone. She is the eternal optimist. And I love her for it. 

She taught me long ago that when you make the best of every situation and you see the best in others your own life improves a hundred fold. Yes. Sometimes people will let you down. My ex leaving probably hurt more because I chose to see the best in him and to believe in him with every fiber of my being. However, I know I was happier while we were together than I would have been if I had held back and harbored doubts. So it goes. Life is a trade off and I’ll take the pain because I know greater happiness comes with it. 

I’m not the reserved type. I go all in. I shoot for the moon. The beautiful thing about that is someday I will meet someone like me, and we’ll go all in together. I’m looking forward to it. 

All it took was good friends, some reckless behavior, a few stiff drinks, a self-deprecating sense of humor, and at times a touch of self-righteous indignation. Now I am home free. My first (and let’s hope to God last) dumpage experience is behind me. 

Cheers to single me. I’m happier today than I’ve ever been. My life is mine and it is a good one.

There’s a reason God invented sweat pants: Commandment 7

Even though I was parading about as superwoman and I had goals and cute outfits and some ego-boosting experiences I was still sad. So I let myself be sad. I moped for a few hours in my comfy sweatpants. I cried. I took molten-lava, hot showers and let the tears fall down the drain. I allowed myself moments of sorrow so I would not explode. 

It is ok to cry. It’s just not ok to do it 24/7. Thus the need for Break-Up Commandment number seven:

THOU SHALT FIND A BALANCE IN THY GRIEF

On my way home from work I realized that it had been almost a week since I had seen him or spoken to him. I was really starting to miss him even though I was so angry that he hurt me. I admitted to myself that I wished he would call or show up on his knees begging forgiveness. Even though I couldn’t take him back. Even though I knew he would never come begging. The fantasy ran stubbornly through my mind in a loop. And I really wished I could stop. Wanting. Wishing. Thinking about it. Damn him. Damn this. 

Yes, it hurt like hell. It’s not supposed to be fun. I was dumped.  I knew that obsessively dwelling on him would not help. Neither would ignoring my feelings about what happened. So for one night I let myself grieve and then I traded in the sweatpants for booty jeans and I went out to face the world. 

I made myself look at things in a new perspective. It really had been almost a week without him. I had almost made it through hell week. It was hard but I kept it together. And the weekend was almost here.My first full weekend as a sexy single about town. There were plenty of adventures awaiting me! 

I told my friends on Thursday night, “I HAVE TO HAVE FUN THIS WEEKEND!” They were game. We planned on going to an old hang-out of ours. I was 100% sure of not running into my ex there. I decided on an outfit after mentally perusing my closet during my lunch hour. New gray shirt, skinny jeans and my gray swashbuckler boots. HOT!

I planned on kicking some ass at pool and having a few laughs and a few drinks. Sport flirting and a further boost to my ego was in order. 

Friday night came around and we decided to ride bikes even though it was 9 degrees outside. (we’re hard core).  Since we were riding we adjusted our plans and headed downtown for drinks and Shannanigans. We arrived and met up with a few good people I had not seen in months. I ordered myself lunchboxes for the better part of an hour. (It’s like an Irish Car Bomb but with beer + amaretto + orange juice. Sounds weird but it is yummy!)

Liquid courage! Suddenly I was smart, sexy and utterly irresistible! What boyfriend? Who was that guy anyway? It was FOREVER ago! Party! Yeah! Another lunchbox! And a peanut butter and jelly shot!  (I was drinking in theme apparently). 

A little while later my co-conspirator swaggered in. Yes. Trouble was brewing and I was feeling a bit … Hmmm? Conspiratorial!  He caught my eye while he ordered a drink. I smiled my most wicked (and slightly drunken) of smiles. He came over and sat next to me and we talked with the group and he flirted and we ordered more drinks. 

We mingled and moved in different circles for a while as the bar got more crowded. I ran into several friends I laughed, danced and had a ball. 

The night was just what I needed. Sport flirting. A kissing sequel to rival the initial bathroom scene and then home to fall into bed at the wee hours of the morning. 

I decided to stay in Saturday night. My people were heading out to a cluster of bars where I knew I’d run into the ex. I was not ready to see him dancing with other girls and being a smooth arse charmer like I knew he would be. Plus I had consumed enough alcohol last night for the entire weekend. 

I ran to the book store. My mecca. I grabbed some new books to keep my mind occupied for a few weeks. This is what I love about fiction. I can get so engrossed in a story that suddenly I am transported to another world. I get to leave myself behind and become the main character. I found it a much more constructive way to get out of my own head than Lunchboxes.         

            

I read, relaxed and enjoyed some much needed downtime. I was happy that I could be alone with myself without getting too sad or feeling lonely. I went to bed early and got up on Sunday morning feeling refreshed and ready for action. 

Even if it was Valentine’s Day. 

Stay tuned. I spend an interesting Valentine's Day with 20 friends (not counting the strippers).