Billy Crystal sparked an interesting debate in the never-ending battle of the sexes when his misogynistic character Harry in When Harry Met Sally, stated: “Men and women are incapable of being friends. The sex part always gets in the way.”
Despite what side of the friends-only fence you sit on, I think we can all agree that relationships between men and women are at times puzzling and precarious.
I personally take the friend-ablity of the opposite sex on a case by case basis. There are several factors involved that can tip the scales from an actual friendship where you make regular plans to hang out in a platonic manner to the kind of pseudo-friendship where you just say hello when you find yourselves occupying space in the same social settings.
Factor Number One: Has this person seen you either partially or completely naked?
If the answer is yes then it is likely, after having dated for any period of time, you cannot rationally be that person’s friend. Not for a while at the very least. The boundaries of intimacy were breached and only one rare exception exists in my world where I genuinely consider a man in this category to be my friend.
Don’t get me wrong I can be nice and civil when I run into an ex. It’s usually fine. It’s just that they are not someone I am going to invite to my birthday party or call up to see if they want to join me for happy hour.
Break-ups are awkward. Oftentimes hard. And damaging to the self-esteem. Every time I have attempted an actual friendship after a breakup it has ended in disaster. Because one person or the other still has intimate feelings. Then that person (once me and thrice them) gets hurt all over again when they discover that friendship is the most the other can offer. And it doesn’t help to face this information while the self-esteem is still fragile from the maiming it took during the initial break-up.
Not good. So I am not surprised I can boast of only one true, post-intimate friendship.
Factor Number Two: Do they want more than friendship from you?
This is always a thin-ice situation. Even if you explicitly say, “I just want to be your friend.” They may choose to hear: “You need to work harder to woo me and then I will date you.” This miss communication usually ends with drunk texts and drunk dials and guilt trips from the wounded party. Usually right around the time you start dating someone else and they realize that when you said, “I just want to be your friend,” you really meant, “I will never have an interest in dating you.”
It never ends well. So no matter how much they say, “hey let’s go to the movies!” (or a concert or brunch or dinner or for drinks) You should never go anywhere with this person if it is just the two of you. Keep it to group settings. Strength in numbers!
Factor Number Three: Do you like them as more than a friend?
If a guy likes you, He likes you. There are no justifiable excuses for why you two are not dating already. He’s not going to wake up one morning and see with new eyes this woman that’s been under his nose all along. Men are direct. Literal. They really aren’t that complicated and they sure as hell do not analyze every word said or gesture made like you do. So chances are if he’s met you, was single and did not ask you out then he isn’t going to. And, if he does years or months later that is generally a huge red flag. Because you are an afterthought. Not something he wanted enough to ask for straight away.
Let me guess. You think but he’s shy or he was hurt once so he’s afraid of getting hurt again? Bullshit Ladies! Let me put those “I’m scared!” Or “I’m shy!” boys into perspective for you: That means that he is more scared or more shy than he is interested in you. Sorry, but that is just not enough. Oh! You like me! But not enough to grow a pair and see where this is going because some dizzy dame broke you ikle heart 2 years ago? Blah. It is just an excuse. If he’s interested, he acts interested. That’s all there is to it.
The only exception is a matter of timing in which you or he or both were in relationships that prevented any dating in previous stages of life. Then and only then is it acceptable.
So if he is single you have to stop playing the martyr. Quit being the buddy he takes to his work’s Christmas party or he gets to watch his dogs while he is out of town. Tell him to eff off and go find someone who really sees you and likes who you are.
Same goes for you boys. If we don’t say yes the first time or say we just want to be friends then we really mean it. Don’t waist your time and money going on “friend dates.” They never pan out. You may guilt your way into an actual date but these relationships never end well in the long run. Give your heart and your bank account a break and save the dates for a girl who is really into you.
Factor Number Four: Is there mutual unattraction?
Yes you have things in common and enjoy each others' company but there are enough factors about one another that have you convinced that they are the last person you would ever be happy dating? Yes? GREAT! You have just found a friend of the opposite sex! Most commonly one or both of you are gay,have known each other through mutual friends for several years, met while dating other people, are related in some fashion (and don’t live in Arkansas).
The stars have aligned and friendship formed where we once thought it was impossible. Now stay away from the whiskey and keep the “sex part” from getting in the way!
Ciao!
Shannanigans
Shannanigans
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